For 9 LONG months you fall in love, waiting anxiously to meet the new love of your life. What color hair will they have, what color eyes, how much will they weigh, will they have dimples….and for some will it be a boy or girl? Every little kick or movement falling more and more in love with the baby you had prayed long and hard for.
For me it was almost the same exact experience both times almost 5 years apart…..for 9 LONG months I was scared to death wondering if I was good enough, wondering if I could give this sweet baby everything they deserved and more, wondering if I could be a good role model and raise my kiddos to be kind hearted, respectful, smart and loving kids amongst so much hate and turmoil in our world. How do I shield and protect them from the reality that exists outside of our front door, or should I shield them? Then the time comes. For me it was 4 weeks early (yes for both of my girls I was exactly 4 weeks early and had eerily similar labor stories) and I was terrified! Not only did all of the same fears exist but now I am also scared hoping and praying she would be ok, praying that she would come out screaming and kicking, praying that she would be healthy….and they were both all of these and more! My beautiful sweet little girls were everything I could have dreamed of, my heart is full….life is perfect….well almost. My first was born with full head of dark brown hair, blue eyes, the most amazing dimples ever and lashes for days, like seriously the longest ever! My second also had super dark brown hair, gorgeous dark brown eyes, and these amazing little dimples under her eyes….I swear this kid can light up a room with her smile…..she is the definition of eye smiles. These amazing little humans are my everything, my girls!
Their birth stories though is where all of their similarities end, as I swear these 2 kiddos are so crazy opposite that most don’t even believe they are related. My oldest has grown up to be an amazing yet complicated little girl. She has dirty blond hair and gorgeous blue almond shaped eyes, her dimples oh my gosh her dimples are to die for and yes still the longest eyelashes ever. She is my people pleaser, she wants everyone to love her but only keeps a few CLOSE friends, she loves to make people happy, she is extremely sensitive, she is a daydreamer, she has an imagination like no other, she is extremely creative, she loves to be recognized for hard work, she loves dates with her mommy…..she is simply a beautiful little girl both inside and out who doesn’t know it. She though is the one I worry about constantly….like every.single.day! I worry about her courage and strength to stand up for herself, I worry about her little heart that wants everyone to love her and how will she handle it if someone doesn’t, I worry about the “mean” kids at school, I worry about her always holding everything in until she breaks down in tears, I worry about her inclination to completely shut down if she isn’t the best at something or doesn’t know how to do something. She is the reason I am a “claws out” type of mom, as I want to protect her from all of this….I want her to always feel safe and loved, I want her to know its ok to make mistakes and learn from them, I want her to know the world isn’t going to end because someone didn’t want to play with her today, I want her to know that she can talk to me about anything and I will always be here to love her and show her the way. She is my complicated little girl, the one who made me a mom for the first time, the one who doesn’t realize how amazing she really is. I find myself constantly thinking about the future with her and how will she handle these things once in middle school, as that is only 2 years away.
Then there is my wild and crazy younger one, I swear they cannot be more opposite. She has dark brown hair, DARK brown eyes, still has her amazing eye dimples when she smiles and has the most contagious laugh. She is my free spirit who lights up a room with her funny antics and her crazy off the wall things she comes up with….she is the one that I swear would give everyone the middle finger if she knew what it meant. I always say she will be on the stage one day….let’s just hope it is a good stage. This little girl LOVES to sing and dance….nonstop 24 hours (ok maybe 23) a day. She makes up her own words to songs and her dance moves are hilariously awesome. She LOVES to be snuggled, loves to gives kisses, loves to be held and loves to be recognized. She is not one to really care what others think, if someone wants to be her friend great, if not it’s their loss. She is not overly sensitive, she is extremely strong willed and does what she wants when she wants and is definitely a leader in the crowd. This little lady seriously keeps us on our toes and keeps us laughing daily. This little lady also has extreme anger outbursts, hitting, kicking, and yelling when she doesn’t get her way. She shuts down if she doesn’t know how to do something or finds it boring. I worry for her that she will fall behind in school because she can’t sit still and she can’t focus. I worry that she won’t have a lot of friends because she can be so out of control and mean at times and it makes me sad to think of how that will affect her. She is an amazing little girl with so much to offer and I pray that she never loses her spunk while we work through her behavior and focus issues.
Daily I find myself wondering if I have I caused some of these things in my kiddos by snapping at them too much for not doing something after being asked 100 times, or by not giving them enough attention when they needed it most, or by being on my phone or working too much when they really needed me to be present. I admit, I am not a perfect mom by any means, but I try my hardest to make sure my girls always know how much I love them and that I will always be here for them. I am a yeller and I hate it….. there have been moments when I have snapped at both of them for something and I can instantly see how it affects them, more so my oldest as she gets a look of shock on her face, a bit of sadness and sometimes tears. I always instantly wrap her up in my arms and apologize profusely but it’s too late by that point and it hurts my heart to know that my actions had that effect on her……more of a reason that makes me sad to think that I could be the reason for all of their insecurities. I see so many of my friends that seem to have it all together….they appear to be perfect moms, perfect wives, perfect employees and just have happy homes. Don’t get me wrong we do have a ton of fun and we love each other dearly, but I want to be better, they deserve better. My life is crazy, my days are stressful, and parenting is HARD. Being a full time working mom is not an easy task but I am also one who loves to be busy and I always have my hands in so many different things. Not only do I work full-time outside of the house (approx. 50 hours a week) but I also have an essential oils business that just makes my heart happy and has brought us a wealth of good health without harmful chemicals and medications, starting this blog is a new thing I trying to keep up with as a way to get my thoughts out and on top of all of that I love to do DIY projects around the house….all of this while trying to be the best mom and wife that I can. Some may say I am freaking crazy, or ask why I don’t cut back, or why I take on so much and the answer is simply this is how I am wired. My full time day job isn’t rewarding or fulfilling enough and I always feel like I missed my calling in life to help others. I regret every day not going to nursing school and being able to leave each day knowing I made a difference, which is why I think I get myself involved and doing so much as it fills me with that need I have of feeling like I have done something amazing……that feeling of accomplishment. I love to be busy, I love to feel needed, I love the feeling of accomplishment I get when I finish an awesome DIY project, or the emails I get when I help someone with oils for recurring back pains they have had for years from an accident….and most of all I love being a mom. I just need to be better at balancing all of these things without my kiddos feeling like they are second as they are my heart and my soul. I am extremely grateful and feel so blessed that god entrusted me with these amazing little humans and I continue to pray daily and ask for guidance and support in being the best mom I can be for my girls.
Being a mom changes your heart. You can no longer can hear a story about a child who was harmed or a child who is suffering and think “oh that is sad” and move on with your day…..or at least I can’t. Each and every story I read or hear speaks to my heart; it engulfs me and usually brings me to tears. I have this weird thing where when I read of such stories my brain instantly flips and puts me in their shoes and I start wondering and imagining what they are going through and how they are feeling. I recently read a story about a friend on FB who sponsors a child in Kenya and just went on a mission trip to Kenya to meet this child and help this amazing village of forever grateful people. This spoke to my heart so much that I am starting to research doing something similar and looking at our budget to see if I can sponsor a child in need. Things change when you are a mom….trust me on this. 10 years ago I would have read that story and though oh that’s cool that she is doing that and moved on but that all changed 9 years ago. I know I can’t help them all and I struggle with taking yet another thing on when my own kiddos need me too but I want to show them how to be compassionate and caring, I want to show them that it isn’t always about us and that when they don’t get the 500th stuffed animal from the store that they wanted that they are still so blessed and instead why don’t we buy that stuffed animal for a child that has nothing? I want to teach them and show them how to be the best versions of themselves they can be…..be giving, be loving, be humble, be kind, be amazing, be smart, be awesome! So back to my original question…who said parenting was easy?!?
Have a Blessed Day!